We went camping last weekend.  Here is my hike;

Currently We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things By Jason Mraz see related

The only thing that stays the same is everything changes. . .

I lost my job January 6, 2009.

Please don't say you're sorry. I'm not sorry right now. I will be sorry when unemployment runs out. Please save your sympathy until then.

I stopped seeing Skywalker again. I asked him to do something special with me for my birthday. He said he already had plans and refused. I got mad and he acted incredulous. He really doesn't understand why I would be mad. I don't understand how he can refuse to do anything that acknowledges a special event from me. It's like he thinks doing something like that SOLIDIFIES a relationship between us. It doesn't. It just acknowledges that I MATTER. But I can't matter to him because that's admitting that he cares and he can't do that. Thing is, at this point, it solidifies that he doesn't care. So I need to bail the F out in order to keep some sense of my self-respect. Bad thing is, I still think about him and miss him WAY TOO MUCH. It's only been 17 days. I will recover. Again.

K is coming to see me. April 18. Before he deploys to Iraq. Should be an emotional week.

I am concentrating on my physical shape. I had gained 20lbs over the last two years, working at Mazda 80 hours a week-- stressed out. I've lost 18 now, but I'd like to get Skinny. Down-right "would you just eat a freaking sandwich" skinny. (Don't worry, I'll probably never get there, I'm not anorexic, I like food too much) I am running 3 miles a day--- at least. MY ACHILLIES TENDONS are screaming. I hope they get better.

I have applied and been accepted into the local community college for their Graphic Design program. I have earned one scholarship and am attempting at others. I have applied for grants and help and I guess we will see if I can come up with enough money to pay my bills and go back to school.

Heaven knows I have to get out of the auto industry.

Brian is 14 now, 9th grade is tough on him. He's 6 foot tall- maybe 6'1" now, and wears a size 13 shoe. He was drafted to catch on his new baseball team.  I had to buy catcher's gear this week and that hurt me financially.

Bradley is 13 now. 7th grade is too easy for him and his grades are suffering because he's bored and can't seem to make himself do the work. Calls it "busy-work". The school will not allow him to skip a grade. They say that they are concerned about his social standing if he does that. They do not seem to consider the fact that Bradley does not fit in with his peers as it is. I have had teachers tell me repeatedly that Bradley considers them his peers and not his classmates. He took the ACT in February, and made a 20, with a 22 in Algebra. Duke University sent him a letter saying that is in the top 5% in the country for his age. I wish that I could figure out how to harness this so that he could run with it. . .

I barely have any friends. Actually, I really don't have any. Nobody has any time to spend with me. I think I alienated everyone with my work over the last two years. I was stressed, overworked, and bitchy. That job was my only priority. Now it's gone and I've found that I've run everything else off. Remorse.

I have lots to talk about but felt that you should get the general update post first. Be back soon.Very soon, I think.

Peace, Love & Jelly Beans.

Currently Listening Sleep Through The Static By Jack Johnson see related

joy is a little word

That comes from little things.

Do you have anybody in your life that clams up everytime you get close? I do. It used to make me nutsoid but I'm so used to it now that when he does it, I just shrug, and I think, well, guess I'll talk to you in a few days.

And I just go on about my business until he calms back down and calls. And I act like I didn't even notice. Cause I just know that's how he is and I accept it.

It's peaceful to know that you've finally got a little patience with somebody that doesn't always make sense.

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Brad sat on his dog's grave and cried. Sad, oh so sad. Worse, I feel that this forever tainted his space camp trip. He'll be 85 years old telling his grandchildren about space camp and he won't be able to leave out the fact that when he got home his dog was gone.

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My finances are falling apart. My job is wonderful. My house is a mess. My kids are *hmmmm* insert warm fuzzy feeling here- well, they are great and I am so lucky.

Peace, Love, & Jelly Beans,

S

grief

Bradley is gone to Space Camp.

Tonight, he comes home.

Last night, his dog was hit by a car and died.

And I have to tell him.

*sigh*

Grief is hard enough. Watching your children go through grief for the first time is devastating.

I need to clean. Case in point;

So that's probably how I will spend my day. The carnage from the 14 year old's birthday party last weekend is still all over the house;

I have been too busy to clean anything. I worked 66 hours. It takes me an hour to get there, and an hour to get home. OHHH, except for one night that it took me 2 and a half hours to get home;

I sat perfectly still on I-40 for a very long time due to a car that was on fire. I was almost out of gas so I put the windows down and turned off the engine. I played on my blackberry for a long time, and got to catch up on the news. I wasn't even worried about how long it might be because I knew if I needed to go- this guy wasn't going anywhere either;

No worries when there's a porta potty close by, huh????

Monday night, I did get to leave a little earlier than normal so that I could catch this.

That's Bradley out there- number 62. He tells me that he leads practice because he's the fastest kid on the team. I found this funny and gave him a really hard time about this;

If he's the fastest kid on the team, how come he's so far behind that touch-down run??? (that's him in the middle, but his quarteback was in front of that official-)

I think Brian has a girlfriend. He spends a lot of time sitting on the propane tank in the yard on his cellphone now. (haha, he's Bobby Hill) I haven't gotten a picture yet, because when I get close, he moves farther away! This is the first time that Brian has ever expressed the need for privacy. (9th grade, age 14, I guess it's time)

My babies are growing up.

*Sigh* I have too much to do to sit here any longer this morning.

Peace, Love, & Pine Sol.

Shawna